[The boardroom. Cohen has just closed on the Rules. He looks at the camera. He is about to introduce the contestants.]
[He doesn't get the chance.]
[The door opens.]
[A woman enters with the specific energy of someone who has somewhere else to be and would like to get this over with. She is carrying a padfolio. She is wearing a blazer. She walks to the end of the table — not the host's chair — and sets down the padfolio and looks at the camera with the expression of a person who has been asked to explain something that should not require explanation to people who should not require explaining to.]
[Cohen steps aside.]
[He does not look surprised.]
[He does not look surprised.]
KAROLINE LEAVITT
White House Press Secretary
United States of America
United States of America
@PressSec
LEAVITT:
Good afternoon. Before we proceed I've been asked to make a brief statement on behalf of my Office — that of the Press Secretary of the President of the United States — regarding the content you are about to consume.
[She opens the padfolio.]
[She looks at it.]
[She closes it.]
[She doesn't need it.]
[She looks at it.]
[She closes it.]
[She doesn't need it.]
What you are about to read — or watch, or experience, or whatever it is you're doing with this — is fake.
It is fake news.
It is, specifically, what is known in legal and also common parlance as a parody — which is a form of expression protected under the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, a document the administration fully supports except in the specific cases where it doesn't, which are being litigated separately.
A parody means it's not real.
The individuals portrayed in this production did not agree to be portrayed. They did not participate. They were not consulted. They do not endorse the content, the framing, the conclusions, the stage directions, or any of it and they have also not reviewed it.
[She pauses.]
The situations depicted herein did not take place.
Except for the ones that did.
Those are a matter of public record and social media argument and are therefore not our problem.
[She looks up from the padfolio she isn't reading.]
The facts contained in this production — to the extent that any facts are present, which we are not conceding — may appear to be real. They may feel real. They may have been reported by outlets that consider themselves to be real. However, it is the position of this office that facts, like most things, depend heavily on context, and that context, like most things, depends heavily on who is providing it, and that the people providing it in this particular case are —
[She glances at the notes she doesn't have.]
— a nobody with an AI.
[She says this without inflection.]
[This is the most devastating thing she will say today.]
[She means it as a dismissal.]
[It lands as a credential.]
[This is the most devastating thing she will say today.]
[She means it as a dismissal.]
[It lands as a credential.]
Furthermore. The names and likenesses of the individuals portrayed herein may or may not resemble actual persons living or dead or currently serving in the cabinet pending the outcome of various congressional subpoenas. Any resemblance to actual persons is either coincidental or inevitable depending on how you feel about the whole thing.
The characters depicted here are not playing themselves. They did not agree to this portrayal. They are not even portrayed as the people we have come to know — which, frankly, given how we've come to know some of them, may be the nicest thing this presentation does for any of them.
[Beat.]
The president of the United States is not aware of this production.
[Beat.]
[We will not be elaborating on that statement.]
[We will not be elaborating on that statement.]
[She looks at the assembled press corps.]
Questions.
[She points.]
ANDREW KISSINGLASSER, The New News:
Thank you Karoline, great briefing as always, really appreciate your accessibility and transparency, I think that's something the mainstream media doesn't give this administration enough credit for honestly —
LEAVITT:
Thank you Andy.
ANDREW KISSINGLASSER:
— and I just wanted to ask, given that this is obviously fake and clearly a partisan hit job by paid Democrat agitators who are threatened by the president's historic success, does the administration have any comment on the overwhelming public support for the president's cabinet picks and their incredible record of accomplishment?
LEAVITT:
That really is a great question Andy. Yes.
[She points, this time not even looking up.]
Andrew Kissinglasser
The New News
Kaitlan Collins
CNN
KAITLAN COLLINS, CNN:
Karoline — you said the situations depicted didn't take place except for the ones that did. Can you clarify which ones did take place? Specifically regarding the Signal chat, the Epstein files, and the —
LEAVITT:
I said what I said Kaitlan.
KAITLAN COLLINS:
You said facts depend on context. Whose context?
LEAVITT:
The appropriate context.
KAITLAN COLLINS:
And who determines —
LEAVITT:
Next.
[She points.]
CASSANDRA SEIKS, Channel 2:
Hi, Cassandra Seiks, Channel 2.
[However you pronounce it is right and apropos.]
I just — I guess my question is — well
[She looks at her notepad. She almost lipreads her question.]
[She looks up.]
[She looks up.]
Is any of this real?
Cassandra Seiks
Channel 2
[The room goes quiet.]
[Leavitt looks at Cassandra Seiks.]
[Cassandra Seiks looks at Leavitt.]
[This is the question.]
[This has always been the question.]
[It is the question Cohen has been circling (for 12 sections — and one subsection).]
[It is the question the folder was built around.]
[It is the question the show has been running from since January 20th, 2017.]
[Leavitt looks at Cassandra Seiks.]
[Cassandra Seiks looks at Leavitt.]
[This is the question.]
[This has always been the question.]
[It is the question Cohen has been circling (for 12 sections — and one subsection).]
[It is the question the folder was built around.]
[It is the question the show has been running from since January 20th, 2017.]
[Leavitt straightens her blazer.]
LEAVITT:
This has been a White House press briefing.
[She picks up the padfolio.]
[She walks toward the door.]
[She stops.]
[She turns back.]
[She walks toward the door.]
[She stops.]
[She turns back.]
The president's name will be known into perpetuity. There will be monuments airports and highways with his name. His businesses are doing very well. His properties are booming. His crypto ventures and worldwide partnerships are unmatched in history. His family is doing very well. The stock market —
[She catches herself.]
[Something crosses her face.]
[She reassembles.]
[Something crosses her face.]
[She reassembles.]
— is doing what markets do.
Thank you all. God bless you and God bless the United States of America, and of course God Bless President Trump.
[She exits.]
[The door closes.]
[Cohen steps back into frame.]
[He looks at the door.]
[He looks at the camera.]
[The door closes.]
[Cohen steps back into frame.]
[He looks at the door.]
[He looks at the camera.]
MICHAEL COHEN:
Cassandra.
[Beat.]
Great question.
[He sits.]
Now. The contestants.
End of Section Four-B